This blog has become a sort of therapeutic experience and in such a fashion I won’t be censored. I will gladly take suggestions on posts, if you want to hear my opinion on a subject or want to know how I deal with certain things. I however I will continue to write what I want no matter how uncomfortable it may be for others.
I figured I should write about something that is always on my mind. Something that drives me crazy with worry. I never feel like I’m enough and I have practically zero life experience when it comes to many things. I’m the first to admit it.
My friends through high school never had any boy/girl trouble, I was never faced with having to comfort them in a time of heartbreak. Now that I’m in college though, those skills have been called upon many times and well…I don’t have them. So I stand around awkwardly because I can’t think of anything to say. It’s like I’m physically repulsed by their emotions but I really do want to help. I’m not sure if that makes any sense but the look I get from the other people around me who are prodding me, trying to get me to jump into action is debilitating. I always get a look of confusion, hurt, and lastly annoyance. That look kills me inside, it makes me feel so guilty, so alone.
Feeling like I’m not enough is hard especially when I’m giving my all to people. Sometimes though in attempts to be good enough I end up pushing people too far, or away from me. I hold on too tight to the people who make me feel like I’m good enough, and when they need help I end up being what they need to be away from. It hurts so bad to want to help people, to see them hurting and know that the only thing you can do for them is leave them be and let other people help them. It’s hard to step away, especially when that person means so much to me.
This almost always leads me to feeling like a horrible person, like everyone would be better off without me around.