I had a streak going. It had been three days since I had a panic attack and four since I last took Xanax.
I broke one of those streaks.
Tonight I had a panic attack, it wasn’t nearly as bad as the ones I’ve been having but still, any panic attack is a bad panic attack.
I was doing so well and I was so proud of myself but it all went down the drain. It makes me feel like the attacks are going to happen no matter how hard I try, no matter how many techniques I learn. I’ve been keeping track of how long I’ve gone without these things on a whiteboard attached to the door. It’s been a great motivator but having to erase the number and place a zero in it’s place was humiliating. Honestly? It makes me feel like a failure.
People say relapses happen, that they will happen. I wasn’t expecting it to happen. I’m so exhausted physically and emotionally that all I want to do is sleep and watch tv in bed. But, that really isn’t a good idea with regards to school. Everyone I talk to says that I am stronger than the anxiety, that I can and will overcome it. I’m not sure I believe them. The faith I had in myself has been shaken. I’m not as strong as I thought.