Adventures of Shy Girl · Anxiety · College Commentary · Personal

Relapses Happen. | Adventures of Shy Girl

Hello!

I had a streak going. It had been three days since I had a panic attack and four since I last took Xanax.

I broke one of those streaks.

Tonight I had a panic attack, it wasn’t nearly as bad as the ones I’ve been having but still, any panic attack is a bad panic attack.

I was doing so well and I was so proud of myself but it all went down the drain. It makes me feel like the attacks are going to happen no matter how hard I try, no matter how many techniques I learn. I’ve been keeping track of how long I’ve gone without these things on a whiteboard attached to the door. It’s been a great motivator but having to erase the number and place a zero in it’s place was humiliating.  Honestly? It makes me feel like a failure.

People say relapses happen, that they will happen. I wasn’t expecting it to happen. I’m so exhausted physically and emotionally that all I want to do is sleep and watch tv in bed. But, that really isn’t a good idea with regards to school. Everyone I talk to says that I am stronger than the anxiety, that I can and will overcome it. I’m not sure I believe them. The faith I had in myself has been shaken. I’m not as strong as I thought.

~K.D.

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4 thoughts on “Relapses Happen. | Adventures of Shy Girl

  1. “Honestly? It makes me feel like a failure.” Consciously, I hope you realize that you are not choosing to have panic attacks. It’s not something that anyone would really want.

    I had panic attacks for years before I learned to meditate and purge them by facing the flashbacks. Once I could do that, I finally started gaining control. Emotions control us until we face them. It took me many years before I found the right environment to do that.

    Best of luck to you on your recovery path.

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  2. I could have been more explicit. In my own case, I never found that my ability to deal with panic attacks had anything to do with strength. The real problem was not having the right environment to deal with the fear behind the panic attacks, at least for me. People often look at their problems with mental illness as a character flaw, or defect of some sort. My experience with clients strongly suggests that it is nothing of the sort. Hope that’s useful.

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    1. That’s true, mental illness is not a character flaw and the strength I’m talking about is the strength to remember the skills I’ve been taught and utilize them at the right time. So maybe the word I’m looking for rather than strength, is intelligence. ~K.D

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