I’ve now sat at this computer for over 30 minutes and most of that time has been spent staring at this blank page. Okay…semi-blank page…I had the ‘Hello’ typed. That doesn’t count though because that’s how I start off all of my blog posts. In my last blog post with a similar title I alluded to the fact that I live with multiple constant fears. Part one talks about my fear of losing friends and annoying them.
Another of my constant fears lays within the belief that no one will ever be able to truly understand and handle all of my quirks and problems.
I’m perfectly okay with not being in a relationship right now and taking this time to really work on myself and figure out who I am. But there is still the nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps saying “You’re doomed to be forever alone, K.D. What guy is ever going to want you?”
It’s no secret that I have low self-esteem. It’s also no secret that I suffer from mental illnesses and that I am incredibly average in every other category. Not to mention I’m weird, and unapproachable.
That’s not the point I’m trying to make though.
I have anxiety, depression, paranoia(mild), and OCD(Mild). I need constant reassurance, and I tend to get attached very quickly to people. Those are two huge turnoffs for the majority of people.
I try hard to remind myself that I don’t need people to be happy, that as long as I can find peace within myself and have hobbies that make me happy I’ll be fine. But how can I find peace when I have all these thoughts? When I know in my heart that I have too many issues, too many faults, and too little redeeming qualities?