This past week has been really tumultuous. My emotions have been all over the place which has made life really difficult to handle.
I’ve had moments of severe depression that have caused me to have some really terrible thoughts. A few days ago, I took two xanax in an attempt to have a single night where I didn’t cry and for some reason I believed that taking them would help me to wake up the next morning feeling refreshed and, would make me feel better. It didn’t. Although I didn’t cry, I was incredibly loopy and couldn’t get out of bed because I had no balance. But emotionally? I felt great. I was happy and laughing.
I’ve done this before, I can’t remember if I’ve written about it but it is something that embarrasses me so much. I know that taking two at once is overdosing myself. I know that it isn’t healthy, and I realize that it puts a huge strain on the people around me. Yet I still do it.
My depression made me feel as though I was drowning, as if I had a ball and chain tied around both ankles and was suddenly dropped in the ocean. I didn’t want to deal with the pain anymore, and I couldn’t see it going away any time soon. I also forgot that I am loved, that I am needed, and wanted by people. Thankfully those people have reminded me of that fact and slowly I will get better. Why? Because I want to, and I need to. For myself and those who love me and value who I am.
From the lyrics of a song that both my sister and I love, “Falling is easy, it’s getting back up that becomes the problem.” There is no where but up to go. I am stronger than my disorders and with the help of my counselor I’ve come up with a long list of things to help me get through those times and prevent me from ever hurting myself.
“If you don’t believe you can find a way out, you become the problem.”