Well, today marks the last day of classes and the week of finals is upon us. The stress is mounting. At a meeting for Writing Underground last night we did a free write, this is a revision of what I wrote.
“The semester is almost over, my fridge is defrosted, it gets returned today. Bags are being packed, slowly my once cluttered room is becoming a maze of boxes and bags. Others are joyous. The semester is coming to an end; there are beaches, jobs, bonfires, trips, and romances in their futures. I was once like them not too long ago. But now, I want time to freeze, I want my room to be cluttered, I want my fridge filled with juice, ice cream, and that single glow stick that my friend swore up and down would stay lit longer in there. I want to walk half a mile to eat my meals. I want to smell the colorful flowers that populate the campus. I wish that time would freeze. When that last blue book is handed in, when the car is packed life will be bittersweet. Because when that car drives away I might never see that boy again. I might never get to see his brilliant eyes in person again. I might never get to sit by his side, resting my head ever so gently on his shoulder while watching a movie again. I might not ever get the opportunity to sit outside with him into the late night/early morning talking about nothing again. I might never feel his hand in mine again. I might never get to feel the warm flutter of butterflies in my stomach created by the sound of his laughter when I tickle him again. We’re both leaving this campus soon, but in the fall only I will return. So I wish that time would freeze. I wish that beautiful boy and I had talked months ago. I wish that for once the stars were on my side. I wish that time would freeze and leave us in a little bubble because I am not in love with this boy, oh no. But I like receiving texts from him, I like the way he jokingly mocks me and I like how I’m okay with it. I like that he cares for me, and I him. I like that he enjoys the same music as me, I like how we’re both indecisive. I like all the crazy faces he pulls. I like him. But we’re leaving and he isn’t returning. We have chemistry, but time isn’t on our side. So we talk, and text. We hang out, but only as friends. He can’t get too close, he can’t get attached. I can’t get too close, I can’t get attached. I don’t want to get attached, I need to protect my feelings, and my mental health. So does he. The need to distance ourselves is great, but neither of us wants to and I can’t force myself. So we circle around each other, we remain friends, we toe the line in an intricate dance of yes’ and no’s, of touches and go’s. I wish that time would freeze. I wish the stars were on our side. This dance is coming to an end, but friends we will remain. Friends is good; friends is acceptable. I wish that time would freeze.”
The end is near, my friends. To the library I must go.