Well everyone. The end is here. The end? Is here. My first year of college is officially over. Books have been returned, everything is packed up and I’m ready to go. This is an ending for sure, but it is also the beginning of a new adventure. The past year has been so different, so busy, so exciting and at the same time so sad and difficult.
I’ve tried a lot of new things. I took my first step towards independence, I lived/coexisted with strangers, I tried some questionable looking food at the commons, I attempted a high ropes course, I fell in love, I fell out of love(I guess), I experienced heartbreak, and all along the way I learned so much about myself.
I’ve learned that I love to color, it’s calming and overall just really fun. I color mandalas; they’re really intricate so it’s a fun challenge to make them look good, stay within the lines, and think ahead about what color scheme I’m going for.
I’ve learned that pressing the snooze button once is okay, twice is pushing it and a third? Well the third time is the “Oh Shit! I have ten minutes to get to class!” phase. I don’t think that I have gotten up right when my alarm went off in the past few months. I definitely over use the snooze control. Kind of like my dad with the cruise control… 🙂
I’ve learned that my roommate can sleep through anything. Which is great because I’m naturally clumsy and it gets ten times worse when I’m trying to be quiet. So when it’s 8am and I’m getting ready for class and she’s still in bed because she doesn’t have a morning class, I can talk to myself and curse over things as many times as I want and she(usually) doesn’t hear a thing.
I’ve learned that my roommate is not a morning person and that looking at her when she wakes up and with a very chipper voice wishing her a good morning is hilarious.
I’ve learned that first impressions are definitely not always right. Which is okay, because this is college and you don’t have to be friends with everyone you meet. It also means that the professor you could not stand the first few weeks? Can become the one who cares the most about you and who is the most relatable.
I’ve learned that what they say is true, forgiveness is hard. It hurts but it’s vital to your growth as a human being and forgiving yourself? Is damn near impossible. It’s been a very difficult to learn. Which isn’t to say that I won’t forget this lesson because I will. However, that just means I’ll learn it again. Maybe by the time I’m fifty I’ll finally remember it.
I’ve learned the real definition of passive-aggressive. I wish someone would have cleared that up with my younger self. I really thought that passive-aggressive was synonymous with reserved/shy. I always thought that it was a good thing, but the real definition is a little darker than that. I also however, learned that although I am passive-aggressive, I never intentionally do things to hurt other people. I do completely realize now that even though I wasn’t intentionally doing those things; I still did them, and people I called friends were hurt. I was so transfixed on other things that I didn’t realize. I got too busy defending myself, apologizing and trying to explain my actions. It never even occurred to me that all I needed to do was apologize, and acknowledge their feelings or that by defending myself? I was just making everything worse.
I’ve learned that I have my limitations, my strengths, and my weaknesses. There are things that I know I can’t do or things that I’m merely not ready for. I also know though, that I want to push my limitations. I want to try new things but it has to be on my terms, I have to want it.
I’ve learned that some promises aren’t forever. That some people are terrible at keeping them, and others just don’t care.
I’ve learned that I really don’t understand myself and I’m a really hard person to get to know. I hide myself behind a thick wall, and in groups? That wall is guarded by armed soldiers. We’re working on disarmament but old habits die-hard so it’s taking longer than expected.
This school year is over so it’s time to try to put everything that has happened behind me. Tonight, I’ll be taking my last shower in a communal bathroom for the next few months. In the morning my parents will be here to pick me up and I will say goodbye to this beautiful campus for a while.
Here is my final tally as a first year regarding my progress with anxiety.
- 40 days without a panic attack
- 27 days with relying on xanax
- 3? days without crying
On to the next adventure! ❤