My head is a wild place to be.
This June marks the end of the first and start of my second year on medication for anxiety. The last few days I have been incredibly anxious/depressed and nothing seems to be making it better. Which is causing me to think that maybe the medicine isn’t working. That maybe there isn’t a good enough reason for me to be on it anymore.
Since last June, I have tried three different doses of Prozac, and two different doses of Zoloft. All of the different doses don’t seem to do anything to aid in this difficult journey that I have found myself an unwilling participant of. I can’t help but wonder about what effects the medicine has really had. Has it made my anxiety better or worse? My instincts sway towards worse. What are those chemicals doing to my body? Has taken the medicine made it harder for me to lose weight? More importantly, what has taken the medicine done to who I am as a person?
Has taken the medicine made me more prone to depressive episodes? Has it altered my personality? Am I nicer than I was off of it or meaner? Does it interfere with my creative thoughts? Does it alter my school performance in a positive or negative way?
These questions keep me up at night and so I’ve decided to stop taking my medication for about two months. That gives me enough time to get it all out of my system, experience what I’m like off of it, and have enough time to start it up again and have it take effect by fall semester, if necessary. For the next few days, I’ll be taking my old dose and then switch to taking it every other day before ending it completely. I’m really excited to know the answers to my questions and I think this will be a good test of how far I’ve come since last June.
I am hoping that this will be a good experience, and of course I will be writing about it.