My head is just about the most gigantic mess you can imagine. I can’t keep anything straight, I’m unsure about everything, and I just don’t know anything anymore.
Frantic – adj. – wild or distraught with fear, anxiety, or other emotion.
I want to not be frantic. Everything I’ve been doing has been frantic, right now, I am frantically typing this out before everything gets lost in my head. This is important. What I have to say is important and who cares if it’s late, who cares if I have to get up in less than 8 hours and be sunny and cheerful, when all I am is Frantic. I don’t think I’ve ever been this frantic. When I’m reading, I’m frantic. There’s so much to read and so little time. When I think about the future, I’m frantic. Everything is so up in the air, and the outlook is grim on so many fronts. I’m going to let everyone down. It feels inevitable. When I talk, I’m frantic. It’s like I can’t get the words out fast enough. When I say I’m okay, I’m frantic. Because I’m totally not okay and nobody, not even I, seem to fully grasp this fact.
I want to be listened to. I have so much to say, so many things to add to conversations but I get spoken over. Conversations get turned to other subjects and no longer do I have the chance to say what I want to say. I need for this to not bother me, but it does. I want to be able to express my opinion and have healthy discussions without people getting mad at me. It hurts and I can’t help the fact that when these things happen I get upset. Because although I know that they surely don’t mean it, it feels like no one respects what I have to say. I want to talk, but as more days pass, I find myself thinking thoughts to myself and not wanting to say them aloud. I wish those closest to me would hear the anguish and pain in my voice, would know that I know the things they keep impressing upon me, would know that repeating it over and over is not going to make it easier for anyone. It’s just making it worse.
I want quiet. I want to not be bombarded by questions that I’ve answered, or don’t know the answers to. I need for my head to stop being the mess that it is and I want quiet. Of all the goals I’ve ever had this may be the most unattainable. I recognize this undeniable fact: I will never have quiet. There will always be people, or birds, or cars, and when those things aren’t there, there will be my thoughts and the beating of my heart.
I want to not be so undecided. I want to be able to hold on to aspirations for longer than a month. I was asked recently what I wanted to do with my computer science degree. I hemmed, hawed, then came around to saying computer security. I want to program, I want to work in the private sector, or in law enforcement, or who knows! This is a dream. It’s an aspiration. In school, I am working towards this and I enjoy my classes. But during the summer, this summer, I haven’t done any coding. I haven’t done any sort of studying to further my knowledge of computers and how they work. I made a list at the start of summer; read as much as possible, write four blog posts a week, finish learning java, learn rails, write a series of poems. See? Even as I created the list coding came 3rd. 3rd. I’ve read almost 2 dozen books since being home, I’ve written countless blogs. I haven’t written a single line of code and that makes me wonder, it makes me question what I really should be aiming for. A few minutes after, I was asked about my English degree. Same question. The way I answered was completely different, though. I want to be a writer, an editor, a publisher. I want to review books, I want to promote them. I want to READ books. As many as possible. Classics, anthologies, novellas, Young Adult, Non-Fiction, etc., anything and everything that I can get my hands on. When answering I didn’t hesitate.
I want to not feel like a failure. I want to have a job, I want to be able to pay for things on my own, I want to not feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time and money, I want to please everyone, I want my heart to catch up to my brain because they are clearly not communicating and haven’t been for a while. I want to not be so socially inept and I want people to understand that I am really socially inept. I want to not be reminded every single day about how I’m putting everyone’s futures at risk. It seems as though they think I’m not fully grasping the severity of our financial situation. When I’m more than aware. I’ve been more than aware for years.
I want to be understood.
I guess the moral of this story is that life is complicated. You can wake up in the morning and know exactly what you want to do, you can have a plan, you can have scenarios play out in your head and by nightfall? By nightfall, you will be frantically typing away, tears streaming down your face and be pissed off because you spilled water on your stupid keyboard a couple of days ago and now one of your number 8 keys won’t work.
If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for reading my rant. You are an awesome human being and you deserve a trophy.