I’m a special kind of human because although I can make decisions, I’m also incredibly indecisive. Which, I guess, in a way is being completely indecisive because I can’t even decide if I’m decisive or not. Small decisions like what flavor ice cream to buy and what to have for lunch, to larger decisions such as what I want to study in college, and most pertinently, whether to be on anxiety medicine, allude me. Indecision is a tricky trait but it can be conquered.
On June 13th, I took my anxiety medicine for the last time this summer in my personal mental and medical experiment. My post, Goodbye Medication, and the questions posed in it, are referenced a lot in today’s post. If you haven’t read it, please go do so. I asked a lot of questions and at this point it’s impossible for me to answer some of them; such as, what are those chemicals doing to my body? I can’t answer that. Also, does it affect my school performance? Again. I have no answer.
Questions I Can Answer:
Has taking the medicine made me more prone to depressive episodes? No! The clear and distinct answer is, no. I am just as prone now without the medication as I was on the medication towards depressive episodes. Even the intensity of the episodes have remained the same.
Does taking the medicine alter my personality? Yes, I’m definitely more stable when I’m on the medication and I’m more easy-going. On the flip side, when I’m off the medicine I’m less enthused about small things that would usually make me laugh and much more brusque. In a way, that means I’m nicer on my medication but by no stretch of the imagination am I mean off of it.
Does taking medicine interfere with my creative thoughts? This answer is the most surprising to me. You hear all the time about people creating some of their best work when they’re depressed and/or dealing with other mental illnesses; Sylvia Plath, Emily Dickinson, Mark Twain, and the list goes on. I’ve found however, that unless I am in a manic-type depression I am not creative at all(take Frantic Thoughts for example). So the answer is that taking medicine actually helps me to more easily access my creativity.
My Inner Debates:
The past month has been a roller-coaster ride. A big part of that has definitely been the fact that my mental state is like an Olympic gymnast, a master of flips. There have been so many days were in an instant my outlook on my entire life, past and future, changed in the most dramatic of ways. This has been evident in my blog posts, I’m sure. I can be incredibly happy-go-lucky and then suddenly be on the verge of tears and self-destruction. It’s been like mental whiplash for me and I can only imagine how confusing it’s been for my family.
All things considered, I’m still undecided about whether or not I should stay off my medication. It’s a complex issue and there are still a lot of questions that need to be answered and circumstantial events in my future that need to be taken into account. Because of that, I’m still deliberating and with enough thought I should be able to decide by August 13th. In the meantime, here’s an answer to a question that gets asked a lot:
Am I okay? No, but I will be. Here’s why: I come from a family filled with strong and courageous people and from a species built on resilience and adaptation. If humans can survive an ice age, dictators, the ending of Gilmore Girls, and wars; I can adapt and soldier on until the mess in my head is no more. It won’t be today, nor will it be tomorrow, or the day after that, or that. But it’s not an unachievable goal..right?