Being on anxiety medication was never supposed to be a permanent solution. When I first went to the doctor, my intention was to only be on it for a few months, what I thought would be long enough to get settled in at college. I never expected to have as much anxiety as I have now, and I never could have guessed how many panic attacks I was going to experience.
Before going to college, I had only experienced one panic attack. I didn’t know what I was experiencing then, I hadn’t put a name to it. It occurred after I had finished at a dentists appointment, where I was told that I would need a root canal. All the way home, I was silently crying and my chest felt like someone was pushing a rock into it. When I got home, I couldn’t control it any longer and I started crying hysterically. While on the phone with my mom, the crying soon turned to hyperventilation and that just freaked me out even more. My sister was home at the time but she didn’t do anything, in fact she may have made it worse. She thought I was overreacting. I don’t harbor any ill feelings towards her for that day because she probably has no experience with handling that sort of situation.
Since starting college though, I’ve had dozens; including one that required a hospital visit because for the first time while I was panicking several body parts started to go numb. This attack made me realize that I shouldn’t stop my medication because the I was living with one of the causes of my anxiety. We were roommates. Summer came though and I wanted to see what it would be like without my medicine, I figured it’d be the best time since I was away from my known triggers. Emphasis on ‘known’. When you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder triggers change and new ones get added to the list all the time. Only recently did I learn this lesson. What I know now is that having someone get very close to me out of nowhere – causes me anxiety. Loud voices – cause me anxiety. Negativity and anger – cause me anxiety. I used to be able to handle these situations with no problem because well…they weren’t even ‘situations’ to me. They were just things that I experienced on a regular basis. These new triggers along with my older ones have pushed the issue of medication to the forefront of my brain.
Reasons To Stay Off Medicine:
Taking medicine all the time is bad for you. I also don’t want to be dependent on medicine for the rest of my life. I’ve always felt that there are skills that will render medicine unnecessary and I hope to master them.
I’m planning on seeing a psychiatrist. When I return to school I will be making an appointment with a psychiatrist to get a more detailed diagnosis and I feel like being on medicine might prevent that from happening. Also, they may change my medicine so not being on anything would make that transition easier.
Medicine is expensive. Self-explanatory, really.
Reasons To Restart Medicine ASAP:
I’ll be more sociable. The start of school is the start of clubs, and new classes(obviously). I want to join a couple of new clubs this coming semester and being on the medicine will help me to actually follow through on this. New classes = new classmates = possible new friends.
I’ll be running into my EX. Unless he changed his major or something, we’ll have a class together. Which means I’ll be seeing him five days a week and probably weekends because it’s almost guaranteed that we’ll run into each other at meals. After a while this won’t be an issue as I’ll get used to it but for the first few weeks his presence is sure to screw with my head.
I need to be on my A-Game. This semester is really important. I need to do extremely well in my classes, which requires focus and attendance. Anxiety/depression can’t cause me to miss classes this year like it did last semester. I want to get a great internship over the summer and the fields I’m looking at are very competitive.
Salvage my summer. My medicine will cause me to morph back into my old self again so maybe I won’t completely ruin my relationship with my sister by the end of August.
I will be restarting my medicine. I definitely don’t want to feel this way anymore and I don’t want anything to hinder my performance at school. So around August 13th, I will be back on the medicine and dosage I was on at the end of last semester. This concludes one of my adventures but, everyday is the start of a new one and I’m not sure I’ll miss this one. Though part of me hates that I’ll be tied down to taking a daily pill again, there’s a much larger piece that is absolutely exuberant. It takes strength to not use medication but even more to realize that you may be better off on it.
Thank you for following along on this little adventure, and even more so, thank you for all your kind words of encouragement and advice. It means so much. < 3 This blog has been (and will continue to be) one of the most grounding experiences.