Hello fellow adventurers,
“Fake it til you make it.” is a saying that I find myself living by more and more. There are so many problems with this though.
I never know when I’m faking it.
I should clarify that I’m talking about faking being okay. Inwardly, I know that I’m not okay. Black sludge crawls around inside of my body and the cold sends tremors through my bones. Outwardly, though? A smile stretches the skin on my face, and laughs cause my eyes to crinkle. There’s a clear disconnect.
Others never know when I’m faking it.
This is worse for me than anything else. It’s hard to seek help from friends when my expressions/body language don’t match the words I’m saying. It doesn’t help that when I’m trying to describe the mess in my head and the pain, my muscles push my shoulders up and down in a shrug, and a shy smile plays at my lips. I’m confused and I’m sure those around me are too.
Actions on autopilot.
Shrugging has become my signature look. I’ve been pretending for so long that trusting my body language isn’t an option. Is my anxiety coming across on my facial expressions? Does my depression leak out of my pores? Am I happy? Am I comfortable in a situation? Who knows. Does going through the motions count as faking it?
Through this process of “healing”, I’m coming out more messed up than I was when it started. Instead of healing, I’ve learned the art of pretending. But, maybe I’m just so deep in the process that I’ve lost sight of my goal.
Have you experienced anything like this? Does any of this make sense? Let me know, please.
Until next time,