Anxiety · Depression · Literary · Personal

They Say I’m Not Depressed.

Hello fellow adventurers,

I’ve been waiting for the right time to post this piece and I think the time has finally come. I wrote “They Say I’m Not Depressed” a few weeks ago, while I was very emotional and very confused about how to bring up my depression and self-harm to my parents. It’s been my experience that it’s hard for people to notice someone who suffers from depression especially when the sufferer has mastered the art of smiling through the pain. On this day, the smiling stopped and the pain flooded out.

They say I’m not depressed.

I say, last May I forgot what warmth felt like, I forgot how much I enjoyed reading and laughing until my back hurt. I say, last May I forgot the importance of being yourself, I forgot how special I am. I say, last May the pills on my nightstand became temptation. Like ice cream before dinner and binge watching tv.

They say I’m not depressed.

I say, this October even the changing colors of leaves couldn’t extract a genuine smile from me. I say, this October my friends forgot what my voice sounded like. Professors couldn’t find the spark in my eye during their lectures. I say, this October even my bed gave me no comfort so I searched my room. I say, this October I couldn’t find an object sharp enough to carve rivers across my wrist.

They say I’m not depressed.

I say, I find myself lost in the shadows. I pull myself out just to fall back in. I thought I was doing better. But my pills have become temptation and every time I see my skin I think of running rivers.

They say I’m not depressed.

Until next time,

~K.D.

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5 thoughts on “They Say I’m Not Depressed.

  1. Depression is such a dangerous thing. I fought it for years and years it seems. It got really bad last year to where death sound much better than living. Just know it isn’t. Keep putting it off because one day you will think differently. You’ll get sick of yourself being that sad that you’ll do something about it, but not by overdosing on medication or bleeding out. You’ll find that light. It is so hard to see when depression takes over your brain, but keep reminding yourself it is only temporary. I wrote encouraging words on notecards and put them on the wall opposite my bed. That way every morning I read each word and reminded myself things will look up. Kind of like how telling yourself you are pretty in the mirror eventually becomes believable. Kick it’s ass because it can be done. I’ll keep you in my prayers and hope you find peace again. It will be an incredible day when you do.

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