It’s safe to say that my senior year of college is not going the way I expected. Despite my best efforts, I quickly fell behind in most of my classes. Circumstances beyond my control caused extreme anxiety as I was in the middle of changing my medicine and I started to sporadically miss classes. Through counseling, I decided that I should lighten my course load and so I dropped a class. That wasn’t enough though and my depression kept getting worse.
I also lost all motivation to do anything besides sleep. During one of my counseling sessions, I remarked how if I was to be seriously injured I could get an excused medical leave from the school for some time but I couldn’t get that for depression. My counselor told me that though I couldn’t have an excused one, they would support my decision to prioritize my mental health should any professor ask.
Within a couple of days, I was in my sister’s car heading home.
For the past week, I’ve kept thinking that I’ve never been this far behind before. However, I was extremely far behind my junior year of high school while my grandmother was in the hospital and I managed to catch back up. I know that high school and college are at completely different levels but the sentiment remains–I caught up then, I’ll catch up now.
First though, I have to find a way to dig myself out of my depression. I’m getting my motivation back little by little but the depression itself hasn’t gone away. I don’t know how or if it will ever go away. I’m comforted, though, by the fact that I have a great counselor who answers my countless emails, fantastic parents, awesome sisters, and the coolest friends.
I’ve got mountains to climb, but I won’t be alone.
Until next time,
~~I was going to make this a full post but I don’t have enough material~~
…and for my next trick, I will crack a lame joke, smile, maybe even laugh obnoxiously even though I feel like hurting myself. Yes, I am a magician. I should have my own show in Vegas but alas my act is too small. It’s called, “Don’t look at me, I’m fine.”
Except… I’m not fine. Gosh. I can’t remember the last time I said I was fine and actually meant that I was fine. So, gosh darn it LOOK AT ME. I’m in trouble here. This is serious. I am struggling. I am not handling this as well as you may think. I wake up and I don’t want to live. I can’t focus on anything. I always find my way back to bed because at least when I’m asleep depression doesn’t haunt me so noticeably.
I’m not so good at talking about my depression to people. I sort of just expect them to understand and know what is going on but that’s unfair especially since I’m a magician. I’m not so good at communication on a good day so when depression and anxiety seep in…GAME OVER.